tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78672531725625188362024-03-13T19:29:29.427-07:00Heidi K. Wiedemann, Psychologist Thoughts and musings from the couchHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-88346554491452129072024-01-20T10:14:00.000-08:002024-01-21T06:15:28.788-08:00What does your anxiety look like? <p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; white-space-collapse: preserve;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR8GjDnJybIR_qy-R0eDWevugZoC62yL6yikZ_YT40-IPYRz289gVnksEG9jlsqdSWsm7dxzQnSckoRhjygyugkiRWjSC_byCQdh7EedsFTu2Q4q194Z9Lu_861YehYU06iheX8l5OKGSix8XSv5YG7LCSPB8qy8Mswd_cUTXtk-JNfQo1CfVk15_WNGA/s4319/IMG_4021.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3436" data-original-width="4319" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgR8GjDnJybIR_qy-R0eDWevugZoC62yL6yikZ_YT40-IPYRz289gVnksEG9jlsqdSWsm7dxzQnSckoRhjygyugkiRWjSC_byCQdh7EedsFTu2Q4q194Z9Lu_861YehYU06iheX8l5OKGSix8XSv5YG7LCSPB8qy8Mswd_cUTXtk-JNfQo1CfVk15_WNGA/s320/IMG_4021.JPG" width="320" /></a></span></div><span style="font-family: arial; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br />So many of us struggle with anxiety. In fact, some level of anxiety is just a normal experience given the world we live in. But what do we know about how it “manifests”? What do you look like when you are anxious about something? What </span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space-collapse: preserve;">behaviours</span><span style="font-family: arial; white-space-collapse: preserve;"> would we see that would have us say “Ah look - Heidi is anxious - she is (fill in the blank)”? Much like the conversation we have had in these pages about the <a href="https://www.heidiwiedemann.com/2015/">Love Languages and the Language of Distress</a>… we all seem to have some kind of Language specific to anxiety.</span><p></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial; white-space-collapse: preserve;">Some people have very clear signs of anxiety - they bite their nails, pull their hair, scratch themselves, pace, have ticks.. physical manifestations. And while that’s not great - it’s also “visible”. There are also some of us who manifest anxiety by changes in our thinking. </span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-95848ad6-7fff-b97e-c82c-33ca3985d527"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">When my anxiety cranks up, and it does from time to time, I start to worry about ending up like my father. I’m a chronic poor sleeper .. and I have learned, I think, how to live with that. But - when I enter a period of anxiety, all of a sudden that poor sleep means it's a sign of encroaching dementia (my dad’s story). Me forgetting what the Wordle word was is a sign of impending doom. Not remembering the name of an actor - oh my lord that's trouble! Now if I had my wits about me, which seems to be a challenge when I’m anxious, I could easily say to myself that my lifestyle is absolutely nothing like my dad’s was, that I am very healthy, that I take good care of myself, that everyone forgets things, that there is not a single sign that I am going down that path. Further, my father was three years younger than I am now when he was no longer able to care for himself. So … but the problem is, my anxious brain doesn't care about all that proof. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I have had clients who have had specific thought patterns come up when they go through anxious periods: some withdraw and isolate themselves. This results in the “anxious brain” winning - because you then have no data to challenge whatever the story is that keeps you anxious. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Some spiral down to a place of self-deprecation .. so their anxiety manifests as severe poor self-esteem. This despite them being aware that they have a good life, a good relationship, manage a tough job well, and get acknowledgement of such from people around them. That anxious brain convinces them to not hear any of that. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Sometimes anxiety triggers childhood traumas. Some folks, left alone with their anxious thoughts, end up feeling unsafe, and see most things as a threat in that state. Sometimes the very being alone triggers the anxiety - and then nothing feels safe. They may vocalize that, people close to them telling them they are being negative and then they withdraw and stay to themselves, the anxious brain winning again.</span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Another response to anxiety can be over-functioning - in a bid to control things. And then if that person feels their bid to control things isn't working they become reactive and combative - and the problem is not anxiety but people not letting them control. That’s how anxiety is sneaky. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">So what to do? One strategy that I believe comes from the world of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is to externalize the anxiety. We need to recognize what our “manifestation” of it is.. So for me, when I start to hear myself saying “dementia” I have to say “ah, there is my anxiety” .. externalize it, make it something of its own .. something separate and NOT spiral into that fear place where anxiety just keeps feeding on itself. And also .. then work on what in fact is making me anxious because it is not dementia. Does that make sense? </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Or if my manifestation is poor self-talk - to recognize that and say “Oh hold on .. ok I’m anxious what's going on” It’s our brain's job - our anxious brain's job, to obscure what's actually going on so as to keep itself anxious. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">If I’m someone whose childhood traumas get “ignited” when I’m anxious I have to listen for what that sounds like - usually like I’m afraid, the world is dangerous, no one can help me … if you are a grown up in the world now - you do have the capacity to deal with things, you are not in danger. So what is the anxiety about? </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">All these many ways of “handling” our anxiety tell me that for one: we never know what is going on inside of someone. Many of us are lonely - and believe it or not loneliness can be anxiety triggering. Many of us are overwhelmed with the state of the world, with the challenge of adult living (no small thing), with finding peace in relationships, families, and so on. No shortage of challenges to meet in a lifetime. And sometimes those challenges spark anxiety - which I think is pretty normal! What we don’t need is our anxious brain adding fuel to the fire. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Recognize what your language is. Have compassion for yourself in this challenging world. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. </span></span></p><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Peace to you. </span></span></p><div><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></div></span>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-60459589160365192482023-12-19T08:45:00.000-08:002024-01-21T06:21:16.050-08:00The Shape of Grief<div class="separator" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAsAMmANpXJ5VAY4v4CuF8gkpBto0YoSHIj2xT_6Bi97gKco7TIoqJFPd_YirrOZe1kcRudBtGPL4BjCcPmiXYTB9Kg_2t5wTi5mLdHJY3LgH8Pd0yoXrveJ1H822EJG-OONdP-ASnYhCrlHWziOuun__XqnnHkBkycG_gnorVNmwtGNId30R84IkHl5E/s5184/IMG_3103%202.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAsAMmANpXJ5VAY4v4CuF8gkpBto0YoSHIj2xT_6Bi97gKco7TIoqJFPd_YirrOZe1kcRudBtGPL4BjCcPmiXYTB9Kg_2t5wTi5mLdHJY3LgH8Pd0yoXrveJ1H822EJG-OONdP-ASnYhCrlHWziOuun__XqnnHkBkycG_gnorVNmwtGNId30R84IkHl5E/w400-h266/IMG_3103%202.JPG" /></a></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: arial;">I lost my father at the end of April 2018. He had spent the last 18 years (!) in residential care, with the last 5 in long term care. What I can tell you about that is that it’s just plain awful. And seeing as how it was clear my father was never going to get better, his end came with a certain relief.<br /><br />I have had a challenging relationship with my father. I have understood him as a narcissist. How I see that is that he was a bon vivant, loved to have people around him and was fed by that, but never gave back emotionally in a way that would keep a relationship going. I think my hypothesis is correct because not a soul showed up for him in 18 years. I always saw that as a consequence of how he lived his life.<br /><br />When we were in the “sphere” of his attention, … hold on, when I was in the sphere of his attention, I felt loved. I felt we had some warmth and that he cared about me. But I also knew very well that it was out of sight out of mind, that it wasn’t ever my need of something that drove the relationship. And so I repeatedly felt abandoned by him, a bother to him. And he was cruel to me, psychologically, physically, emotionally… so ya, it was very complicated.<br /><br />I expected my “grief” to be non-existent to tell you the truth. I thought the “job” of taking care of him would be done and that was that. I was not prepared for the tsunami of emotional work that hit me after all. My narrative for so long was that my father was a jerk, uncaring, narcissistic, an asshole. That the reason I stepped up to care for him was because of who I was, who I wanted to see myself as, a person with compassion and decency, and not any silly romanticized version of love. And yet … it was important to me that he be shaved – because that was something he did without fail, and he was the “Aqua Velva Man” (I smile). So when I would show up at the residence and he hadn’t been shaved in a long time I got upset. That seems to pass the threshold of obligation doesn’t it? I didn’t like it when I showed up and he wasn’t dressed properly. Is that obligation? I’m not so sure any more.<br /><br />So then he passes. My sister and I always knew we would have him cremated, and spread the ashes at the lake where once we had a cottage. That cottage has been a part of our family story for 57 years now. It will be a part of our story until our end. It has occurred to me since we spread his ashes that this is the place where I knew the warmth of my father, the playfulness, where I could count on some kind of care. The “countryplace” was also a place of consistency, groundedness, something received me there … all of us I guess, but it’s in my bones, I don’t know how else to speak of it. And I know it was in my father’s as well. I was so happy when my sister, two of her kids, my husband and myself, went and took a swim, spread his ashes on the beach side, on the rock side… it was so meaningful to me. And it connected me to the care and love I have hidden from myself that I felt for my father. I also notice, the loss of him, frees me from any further disappointment, any further abandonment, so I can freely love him now. Let me tell you, that’s some big work right there (there is of course lots more to do!). And as these thoughts occur to me, a certain peace blooms. A calm. Knowing that I can decide how the story goes now, I can choose an ending .. or maybe not even an ending. No harm will come to me if I let the good of things bubble up. I can have a more rounded narrative of what it was to be his daughter, and what it was to have him as a father. And that’s all really wonderful if you ask me.<br /><br /><br />Let’s talk about how grief is other things too. Grief can feel like anxiety, a gnawing at your stomach that seems to show up for no reason. For several weeks l was just not able to go to the gym. The thought of expending that effort knocked me off my feet. So for the first time in quite a number of years – I threw myself into my garden. I dug two 25 foot trenches, and wheel barrelled the dirt away. I went a little over board but who cares… it all looks fabulous. That being said – I know I poured my grief into that.<br /><br />I also walked on the mountain. This I was able to do even if my muscles ached. That’s the physical side of grief; I might as well have had the flu – which I didn’t. I would tell you, do what you can. If it’s a walk around the block so be it. If it’s just sitting outside, so be it.<br /><br />Grief can feel like depression, making you think everything is wrong with everyone else, making you irritable. Or that something is wrong with your relationship, or your job, or what have you. I think the single most important piece of advice any of us could hear – is don’t make any major decisions at this time. Just don’t.<br /><br />Grief can be distracting. I ran a red light for the first time in my life. I found it hard to focus. It’s not nothing.<br /><br />Grief can make you reach for food or drink when neither is necessary. Be mindful of your vices. Grief can make you turn inward, pull away from people – when believe it or not, you need them most.<br /><br />Grief though, can also be soft, and gentle, and warm … really. There’s a real need to sometimes sit with this loss, to feel it, to let that loss, but also the love, come up. We may choose to weep when that happens, or some of us may choose to feel grateful that such depth is available to us and actually exists.</span><p style="text-align: left;"></p>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-2798737896897191802023-12-18T12:59:00.000-08:002023-12-19T08:50:59.329-08:00Getting Through the Holiday Season<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVtK5S-dMO2dmBppLRU4x1olw0oS8MmDa1xyM0bFtVjwp84_qCMRB6B166kDwEXI7bqCghCrAEw9FIpN2QOXqiZJX5I8TYpFUry0GyVnkYLg20VHO7jLo_fD_5INGmQJfgAIyAPMZlF7xIDoW9v7DkMSEntPOiccmzRgtY9NCQJOKGkjPfdM_zvFTiBsI/s5184/IMG_0152.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="5184" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVtK5S-dMO2dmBppLRU4x1olw0oS8MmDa1xyM0bFtVjwp84_qCMRB6B166kDwEXI7bqCghCrAEw9FIpN2QOXqiZJX5I8TYpFUry0GyVnkYLg20VHO7jLo_fD_5INGmQJfgAIyAPMZlF7xIDoW9v7DkMSEntPOiccmzRgtY9NCQJOKGkjPfdM_zvFTiBsI/w400-h266/IMG_0152.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p> <span face=""Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; color: #626262; font-size: 16px;">Hi everyone… posting this again. Reach out to people who are more vulnerable, be kind, help, connect… we are all in this together. Peace to you.</span></p><p style="background-color: #fcfcfc; border: 0px; color: #626262; font-family: "Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variant-position: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Holiday seasons are tough on a lot of people. Those of us with “special” families have our share of Christmas horror stories …. too much drinking, too much drama, too much expectation. The media doesn’t help. We are bombarded from mid November on with the expectation that this is a time to be happy, to be connected to family which is supposed to be in and of itself a good thing, that we should buy, buy, buy, … Little wonder why the Help hotlines are overwhelmed at this time of year. Those of us with out of step families feel, well, out of step. We ask ourselves how is it that we don’t have the pie in the oven, the merriment around the tree, the peace and love we surely all crave.</p><p style="background-color: #fcfcfc; border: 0px; color: #626262; font-family: "Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variant-position: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">When it comes to the media unfortunately their message will never change. They are geared toward making people believe that spending money will bring back that family feeling. It doesn’t. Know that.</p><p style="background-color: #fcfcfc; border: 0px; color: #626262; font-family: "Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variant-position: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">What can change is how we talk to ourselves. I can mind my expectations by not creating a fantasy of what I want my family to be. This will be helpful because what I want it to be and what it is are a lifetime and a world apart. So what to do? How about I work on accepting what is? How might that be helpful? Well for starters, if I take the stance of accepting what is, it’s easy to go from there to being grateful. Gratitude I have come to learn is the great equalizer of shitty stuff. Have a parent with dementia? Being grateful for the small moments in between gives one the strength to make it through the harder moments. Have a relative with mental illness? Again, being grateful for the small moments means being able to cope with the bigger ones that make no sense. Being grateful for the small moments means being present to that. When you’re present, and grateful, the mechanism to blow things out of proportion whether good (fantasy family) or bad (every thing is ruined) is limited.</p><p style="background-color: #fcfcfc; border: 0px; color: #626262; font-family: "Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variant-position: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">As this year comes to an end, and we, by definition of the holiday, get together with friends and family, be real .. both with yourself and with others. Mind your expectations and look for gratitude for the little things. Doing so has a way of making little moments grow just a little bigger…. Just enough to make things fine, just as they are.</p><p style="background-color: #fcfcfc; border: 0px; color: #626262; font-family: "Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variant-position: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Peace be with you.</p>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-9634632345864516882023-10-21T07:09:00.001-07:002023-10-21T07:09:53.157-07:00Boundaries.... repost
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<div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9shVJUASZ76HyiaO2eTOVad0H4W1GBsGZGotF5Qk6zN9xCbMy-_UF0xEtzjCQPJPuvRjG49V881429SppQq0WB8un9cEiQwFZepQx6yK1kd_mYWn93MrVkcZ8uIb3Cc28onKKp1761yQWL55DeaOzgo1w6W_pRm3NF68ui7Q3Nx5nKyjigG5VVOgKdZ4/s4032/IMG_8678.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2344" data-original-width="4032" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9shVJUASZ76HyiaO2eTOVad0H4W1GBsGZGotF5Qk6zN9xCbMy-_UF0xEtzjCQPJPuvRjG49V881429SppQq0WB8un9cEiQwFZepQx6yK1kd_mYWn93MrVkcZ8uIb3Cc28onKKp1761yQWL55DeaOzgo1w6W_pRm3NF68ui7Q3Nx5nKyjigG5VVOgKdZ4/w423-h186/IMG_8678.jpeg" width="423" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>
One of the things I do when working with a client is an
interpretive exercise about boundaries. Clients are given a roll of masking
tape, my chair is moved out of the way to give them as wide a berth as
possible, and they are asked to “give us a visual representation of your
psychological/emotional boundaries”. I almost always get a “what?” kind of
look, confusion, worry about “getting it right”, and lots of questions. I leave
the instructions as vague as possible so as not to influence what might come
about. I usually offer: “there is no
wrong or right, no good or bad, this is about where you end and the rest of the
world begins”…. And off they go. I have done this exercise with almost every client
over the last 15 years and have witnessed something different every single
time. That’s kind of why I love doing it. It’s fascinating! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some examples: taking the tape and taping the entire office,
leaving me to stand outside in order to continue with the exercise (because I
will NEVER stand inside your boundary!); staying sitting in the seat and taping
just the peripheral around the self; putting the tape around one’s waist,
chest, finger, ankles; making boxes so tiny one needs to stand on their tip-toes;
making the box so small one’s arms can’t move; taping around one’s neck or
one’s head; putting the tape across one’s mouth, making a shape that includes a
back door, a front door …. Some people have handed the roll of tape back saying
they have no boundaries. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Boundaries are what protect us from other people’s stuff. If
I have no boundaries, and you are anxious, I will be anxious. If I have no
boundaries, and your are sad, I will be sad.
If I have no boundaries and you have a need, my need will be secondary,
or gone altogether. Boundaries are what give us the strength and ability to say
no, to say I matter, what I need is important, I have needs, I count, this is
me, I am capable. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For the longest time in doing this exercise, I understood it
as the “other” coming into my space, transgressing my boundary … but the other
day I had a bit of an epiphany … sometimes we bring the essence of the “other”
(mother, father, lover, husband, kid, friend….) into our space without them
even being conscious of it. It’s as if their spirit inhabits us (this is just
an analogy) – so that within our boundary there are now two. In doing so, I
allow this “spirit of the other” to subsume me, to render me less important, in
the end to render me powerless – I render myself powerless. We become angry
because “if they cared” they wouldn’t expect this of me … but they aren’t
conscious of what I am doing – there’s the catch. I come home from a hard day, feel it would be
great for me to go to my yoga class, step in the house and feel that would not
be ok with you, I would be dismissing your need for my company, my care of you…
and I drown out my own need without even noticing .. except for the part about
getting angry… angry that your needs come first, that mine get dismissed …. And I haven’t even said hello.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s a very different stance than being overwhelmed with the
“other’s” emotions, or being made responsible for them. It’s a different stance than having to suffer
the emotional contagion from another – that emotional energy that you get
affected by.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So how to shift, how to begin healing a compromised sense of
self? The hardest thing you will ever
have to do is believe that you are worth it. If you begin to cultivate that
belief then you will have to begin saying no; you will have to start recognizing
when some feelings are yours and some don’t belong to you; you will have to
tolerate someone else’s sadness, anger, loneliness and not take responsibility
for it. No small feat! You will have to speak up to make your own needs known.
You will have to do the work of getting to know yourself to know what those
needs in fact are – because you have been putting them aside and dismissing
them for so long that you are somewhat out of touch with them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take heart though, the work is worth it. Inside that
boundary that would go around your own physical being is something spectacular
… you! Someone who is curious, lovable, deserving of respect, unique, worthy,
beautiful …. No I’m not making this up. All that you are, all that amazingness,
all that potential, all that worthiness, lives inside your boundary and very
much deserves your attention. We are all so very worth it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-80783236638906767142023-10-02T09:34:00.002-07:002023-10-21T07:13:40.455-07:00Landmarks<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaWs2h5ASZiwGffCBp4jJfXeC7k1Aw47rkEaalG637FQhdroTmLzi_xebc8P__Kt3gQYMnXRkoKba1iEDtMPE9lCFH_0KrCVEQu9f5XN5Qq1pJOAnvDM4D0NZMCcljUDH5eOSBoQTilpQxRFETkZSJMpYXEUkCZKUtbM31eg2Izw_BqgIT2bSH7bFW72c/s4320/218.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4320" data-original-width="3240" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaWs2h5ASZiwGffCBp4jJfXeC7k1Aw47rkEaalG637FQhdroTmLzi_xebc8P__Kt3gQYMnXRkoKba1iEDtMPE9lCFH_0KrCVEQu9f5XN5Qq1pJOAnvDM4D0NZMCcljUDH5eOSBoQTilpQxRFETkZSJMpYXEUkCZKUtbM31eg2Izw_BqgIT2bSH7bFW72c/s320/218.JPG" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-ebdcfaa7-7fff-3abf-17cc-c5f14cece4a6"><p style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><div><span style="font-family: georgia;">A landmark is defined as “a feature of a landscape that is easily seen and recognized from a distance, especially one that enables someone to establish their location” (Oxford Dictionary definition from a simple Google search). I can translate this into psychological/emotional language as “an emotional landmark is a place inside of us, our psyche, that can be brought back to memory in the right circumstance, that comes also with all the feelings that moment once came with, reminding us of who we were, where we were, how we were at that moment in time” (by me). </span></div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br />Emotional landmarks will “reverberate” when the circumstance is right. If you have had a challenging family life, it’s very likely that no matter ho<span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="white-space-collapse: preserve;">w much therapy you will have done in your life, finding yourself within the family context will “feel like something”. Therapy can do so very much in helping us understand ourselves, where we came from, how we were taught to respond. It can help us see ourselves from another perspective, it can help us understand our parents, siblings, partners - ourselves so much better. It can help us forgive and accept. All great stuff.</span></span><p></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-family: georgia; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">What therapy can NOT do is erase these landmarks. I will never have different parents. I will never have a different family story. But what I can do is recognize that when the circumstance “looks” like what my history looked like - in my case chaos, alcoholism, violence - I’m going to have a very understandable reaction. What therapy has helped me do is notice this - so that I can make a different choice for myself should the need arise. One that serves me, a choice that is not reactive, a choice that recognizes my person and respects and honours that. A choice that recognizes my strengths - so that I don’t shut down in fear like I did as a child. Among other things, that is what therapy helped me do. </span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-family: georgia; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">So clients come to therapy and say when will this be gone - and we all need to learn that we are all like a tapestry, with ALL of our stories weaved in to create a fabric that is us. We can’t remove the threads of this fabric or we lose our integrity, we lose our strength and risk unravelling. We can lean on the fact that we are made up of so many different parts, stories, threads - strong ones, reliable ones, so that the challenging ones can be carried along and no longer be the central force behind how we feel, react, see ourselves in the world. But they will always be there. We all have the strength to change our “relationship” to those parts, to those memories, we really do … But they will always be there. </span></p><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-family: georgia; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">Therapy, in my humble opinion, is better thought of as a tool to learn how to live in the world with who we are. The image of walking around a “landmark” and knowing what it once was, and seeing beyond ourselves and recognizing how far we are from it - can help a lot in managing our feelings. Of course change happens. It really does. And also, we come with our stories and we need to honour and respect those stories, not erase them - because that’s not possible. </span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-family: georgia; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span face="Arial, sans-serif" style="font-family: georgia; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">Peace to you.</span></p><br /><br /></span>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-20590103248249339212023-09-19T05:11:00.000-07:002023-09-19T05:11:18.844-07:00What We Can Learn From Comedy<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLdyqPEM2K1ef6THjpkyG7ek7Jk-hsoEuYS0iNNB6YLsbAfhroYaKp09GSCIDJvRaMqjKON4gvJI_gp8DisjLKuvoPgpK77eVWOZ87efbUmkuLm3nKPyIv_2HBV_SBdB00wxC3EWjFYWxsxOQscynRHzB_kuKxwC-z0lTAFZQk7jdhU45FlNUs6mgzmpM/s2560/P1100526%202.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1920" data-original-width="2560" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLdyqPEM2K1ef6THjpkyG7ek7Jk-hsoEuYS0iNNB6YLsbAfhroYaKp09GSCIDJvRaMqjKON4gvJI_gp8DisjLKuvoPgpK77eVWOZ87efbUmkuLm3nKPyIv_2HBV_SBdB00wxC3EWjFYWxsxOQscynRHzB_kuKxwC-z0lTAFZQk7jdhU45FlNUs6mgzmpM/s320/P1100526%202.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-c20b7efc-7fff-ad65-d4df-2c7606123e34"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">Neal Brennan's</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"> 3 Mics</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;"> 2017 (Netflix. </span><a href="https://www.netflix.com/watch/80117452" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">https://www.netflix.com/watch/80117452</span></a><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">?) is a Netflix comedy special (which I get it, I’m late in coming to!) divided into three parts - one liners, stand up comedy, and “emotional stuff”. In the “emotional stuff” segments, Brennan tells his story with brutal honesty. He shares with us his life long struggle with depression and the challenges of having had a violent, alcoholic, narcissistic father. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">There was so much wisdom in what he shared about depression - and depression as a consequence of a narcissistic parent, that I had to explore and share. I have been privy to so many similar stories, my own included - and I just felt how he talked about it gave a new vocabulary we could use to help ourselves. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">First of all, how Mr. Brennan “defined” Clinical Depression.. He likened it to a virus. This virus has your brain spew out negative thoughts, sadly, mostly about your imagined shortcomings. What I love about this definition, is that it “personifies” depression, it “externalizes” it. When those negative thoughts come now, I can say - ah there is that virus! - rather than slip down the rabbit hole of believing these thoughts. That's an important line of defence!! </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">In talking about having a narcissistic parent, we can all relate when he shares that “the entire mood of the house was determined” by the narcissistic parent, so as children we learned to “minimize feelings to appease” that parent. The problem is we minimize to the degree that these feelings “atrophy - and we are incapable of having them”. That “muscle” to feel joy, satisfaction, love, has atrophied - but not disappeared! What makes it hopeful to me, is that an atrophied muscle can be woken up! We can start the exercises that allow us to feel .. our own feelings again. I am sure this happened for Mr. Brennan as he discovered he was a “lover” :). You have to have that muscle to be able to love. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">In therapy we often discuss and work on “poor self-esteem” as a consequence of growing up in a narcissistic family system. Brennan talks about having NO self-esteem, not necessarily poor self esteem. “I don’t have the architecture for good feelings. You could give me a trophy and it would just slip through - I have no shelving”. So very powerful. When you look up the definition of self esteem you find: “personal overall subjective sense of personal worth or value”. Well if you don’t have the “architecture” to “hold” the naturally positive sense of personal worth, you’re going to struggle. I think therapy in part is about building that shelf, remodelling the inner landscape so you can hold on to something positive about yourself - no matter how small. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">One exercise I often give clients from narcissistic systems is writing down what you do know about yourself. What’s your favourite colour, what's your favourite food, favourite ice cream flavour and so on. Doesn't matter how small the detail.. It's YOU. Learning to listen to that voice is the beginning of building the structure needed for some of this real and positive sense of yourself to stick and become your new reality. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">And that’s how we begin, one tiny Lego block at a time. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">If you recognize yourself in any of this, give the show a listen. The comedy is cheering, and the honesty is healing. Thank you Mr. Brennan, I deeply appreciate your contribution to my well being. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space-collapse: preserve;">Peace to you. </span></p><br /></span>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-77950162872812350452023-08-16T08:41:00.006-07:002023-08-17T09:00:31.429-07:00Feel the Feels<br /><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPtlIx698bwwhl9j47GKsG32dccRP4TWAP6KrJP21HbI-ta-ao6QUpWZOMED3rOpJOrQNBQPkIhTjLF901R1VSNcVP2-1g8juJO7q8UF2WW7sKx7BRDQcSB-3ExVseAvp3ZHdm7MXIIf-lLs_ithJtKpjjJLN1r4t-HE05beQKrq534kPE-zJquYXly-s/s4250/IMG_4112.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="4250" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPtlIx698bwwhl9j47GKsG32dccRP4TWAP6KrJP21HbI-ta-ao6QUpWZOMED3rOpJOrQNBQPkIhTjLF901R1VSNcVP2-1g8juJO7q8UF2WW7sKx7BRDQcSB-3ExVseAvp3ZHdm7MXIIf-lLs_ithJtKpjjJLN1r4t-HE05beQKrq534kPE-zJquYXly-s/s320/IMG_4112.JPG" width="320" /></a></div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>The session starts: <br /><br /><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">Hi there how have you been? </blockquote><br /><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">Well, I’m really frustrated. I have done all this work in therapy and the other day, I woke up blue. It stuck with me all day and I couldn't shake it. </blockquote><br /><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">Oh that’s too bad. Are you still blue?</blockquote><br /><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">No, it only lasted a day - but still. It makes me feel like I’m failing at what I learned in therapy.</blockquote><br /><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">Oh. So there’s no room to have an off day? To be crabby or grumpy? Is feeling sad or lonely no longer part of the human condition?</blockquote><br /><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;">Hmm .. I never thought of it that way. </blockquote><br /><p style="text-align: left;">Sometimes it seems, we lose sight of how things are “supposed to feel”. It is important to understand that some of how we feel on any given day is “normal”, and certain responses to events are “appropriate”. Many events in the course of ordinary life will elicit “feelings”. When applying for a new job or not getting chosen for one .. wouldn't some amount of “feelings” for either of these situations seem “appropriate”? Sometimes our brain fools us and has us believe our "feelings" (anxiety? rejection? simple adrenaline?) are a sign that we aren’t good enough, ready enough, suited enough to the task… when really all it is is an appropriate response to a pretty significant stressor. The “rejection” of not getting a job can sting to be sure, those are some strong feelings. But again, we shouldn’t interpret that as proof of something flawed about ourselves.</p><p style="text-align: left;"><br /> Anxiety is our body’s way of letting us know there is danger, something is amiss, we should prepare to flee or fight. Something as huge as a pandemic for example, will understandably set your nervous system off. Here is a great<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?i=1000513584252"> Podcast with Dr. Christina Runyan</a> talking about the physiological impact of the pandemic on so many of us. Our feelings of sadness, numbness, anxiety - are appropriate responses to a huge, life changing event.<br /><br /><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">To the legions of young people (and also not young people) struggling with loneliness in this crazy time - that loneliness “feels” like something. And again, I believe our brain then creates messages that undermine our sense of our self, our confidence.. Because we “feel” this .. we must not be good enough, not worthy of love, destined to be alone. This is not true.<br /><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">If we accept that certain things feel a certain way, maybe we won't be caught off guard by those feelings and then make the mistake of misinterpreting what they mean. If you feel lonely, it means you’ve been alone more than you can tolerate and still feel good. It does NOT mean you are not lovable.</p><p style="text-align: left;"><br />I tell a lot of my clients that therapy (I hope!) can help untie a bunch of old knots. It will help one understand where their intentions and motives spring from. It helps to understand one’s self in relation to others. What it does not do is get rid of life’s stressors. What it does not do is make it possible to feel good and happy all the time, because that's just not realistic. Life is hard, hard things happen, you will wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Yes we can be resilient, most of us are, but it’s all going to feel like something. </p><br /><br />Be kind to yourself.</div>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-3788656616776357892023-08-14T16:41:00.034-07:002023-08-14T16:51:35.183-07:00This is for all the lonely people...<p> <span face=""Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif" style="color: #626262; font-size: 16px;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span face=""Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif" style="color: #626262; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhBkVi7WFHPvjLM--Ovapj581iudocKHPCuthNFNc8Y79u6eLacWYlLf_5hC5-DoOLZN80SPAIn8zCiQAgW8svAJN3UDTjDI-rd1fzJ7r8OK9ZdxkutY0IOCq7qUvQKUlbfKEdIRx9jf61XQpMk9VUD4z2lftIrju3OKtNn3oEgPfDg592yl82fXLNy-Fo" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="587" data-original-width="1339" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhBkVi7WFHPvjLM--Ovapj581iudocKHPCuthNFNc8Y79u6eLacWYlLf_5hC5-DoOLZN80SPAIn8zCiQAgW8svAJN3UDTjDI-rd1fzJ7r8OK9ZdxkutY0IOCq7qUvQKUlbfKEdIRx9jf61XQpMk9VUD4z2lftIrju3OKtNn3oEgPfDg592yl82fXLNy-Fo=w320-h175" width="320" /></a></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span face=""Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif" style="color: #626262; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span face=""Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif" style="color: #626262; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span face=""Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif" style="color: #626262; font-size: 16px;">I think it's fair to say that social </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;">media is making a wreck of how we understand ourselves socially. Many now use Instagram, Snap Chat, Tik Tok and what have you, to gauge whether they are living “right” or “like everyone else”. I remember pre-internet (yes, I’m that old) – when we would compare ourselves to just those people around us. While that is not great either, at least it was in doses that didn’t overwhelm and numb. The “media” of the day was not as insidious, not as damaging to our self-esteem. </span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;">One of the many messages we get from social media today is that you are supposed to be surrounded by friends. You are supposed to be part of a “pack”, have a group of “besties”. The real truth of the matter is it’s not like that for everyone, in fact it’s not like that for most. Many people have a few close friends, many people have one or two. </span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;">So here we are, so many of us growing into adulthood – surprised at the loneliness. And worse, using that loneliness to somehow qualify who and how we are as people. We let our self-esteem take a punch because we don’t have the same social game going on as those we see on Instagram. If you think back to high school do you recall how you were socially? Were you part of a pack? Were you someone like me who engaged with different groups but never really joined one? Were you solitary with just one or two close friends? Your social network and relationships will probably look a lot like that in your later adulthood. </span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: georgia;">People struggle with loneliness. It’s a hard thing – but inevitable in the course of a lifetime. When we are lonely we look at those “friend” images and wish we were different, wish our circle was different, and think it’s because something is wrong with us. </span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;">There is nothing wrong with us. We have to carry loneliness no matter the context of our social life. There will be times where we are more connected, more in touch, more engaged with those around us – and there are times where the ache of a lonely heart will not be soothed. These are all conditions of the human experience. There’s no pill, no real intervention in my mind – other than to acknowledge that sadness, and accept that this is part of the journey. Sometimes there are hard truths. </span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;">We can live in the world believing that we are no good and hence “deserve” to be lonely. We can also say that sometimes life is hard, sometimes we will feel alone and lonely – and this too will pass. I will cherish whatever relationships I do have. I am worth loving and being loved. That, THAT, can be a salve. I love myself enough to accept that life will get lonely from time to time and it’s not a reflection on me. I am strong enough to carry that, and I will also have better days.</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: georgia;"> </span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;">Peace to you.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #626262; font-family: georgia; font-size: 16px;"> </span></div><div class="separator" style="background-color: #fcfcfc; clear: both; text-align: center;"><span face=""Open Sans", Arial, Tahoma, sans-serif" style="color: #626262; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div><p style="border: 0px; color: #626262; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></p><p style="border: 0px; color: #626262; font-feature-settings: inherit; font-kerning: inherit; font-optical-sizing: inherit; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-alternates: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; font-variation-settings: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></p>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-29933791892746860392015-11-12T05:57:00.001-08:002023-08-14T17:00:35.955-07:00The Language of Connection .... <div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi-mjQoKiLJhoDc-5OmFMqxeqXKYL8Ae1nituFiQprlHkXlKhg-jkb-STKHiTeTAMn9knaWfPAHM_Vy3gPvJNnmVauEAY8qsnOoGqcHJ8Stwixvzkuk3n5JVZnV5UDUZNfVNwMhB0-NqPPUIo4M4iPyc2AIgauiO2P3mEdKkTbtAmp8SFuHh6jRmVldmBE" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="741" data-original-width="1061" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi-mjQoKiLJhoDc-5OmFMqxeqXKYL8Ae1nituFiQprlHkXlKhg-jkb-STKHiTeTAMn9knaWfPAHM_Vy3gPvJNnmVauEAY8qsnOoGqcHJ8Stwixvzkuk3n5JVZnV5UDUZNfVNwMhB0-NqPPUIo4M4iPyc2AIgauiO2P3mEdKkTbtAmp8SFuHh6jRmVldmBE" width="320" /></a></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div><div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br />In Gary Chapman’s, New York Times
bestseller <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The 5 Love Languages: the
Secret to Love that Lasts</i>, he explores the different ways couples
communicate their positive feelings for each other. He rightly argues that
knowing your own and your partner’s preferred way of communicating love
significantly improves your relationship’s chance of survival. Can you
recognize yourself among these five approaches? Remember, while we probably use
a bit of all, there is usually one approach, one language that is dominant:</span><br />
<ul>
<li>Do
you let your partner know you care through affection or physical touch or do
you tend to show your appreciation and care through gift giving? Some of us do
so by offering service or taking care of; some of us through affirmation and
cheering on, and some through the giving of quality time. </li>
</ul>
It’s a good thing to
understand how your partner expresses their love for you. If you are not tuned
in – you may well get frustrated because you don’t hear what they are putting
out, or you don’t feel appreciated for the language in which you express your
love.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">But what about the language of distress?
What about when a partner feels insecure or lonely or upset? It’s a rare thing believe
it or not, to find someone who can tune into their own emotions enough to be
able to articulate feelings of insecurity for example, let alone you being able
to tune into them when they are being expressed in other ways. So again, what
about the language of distress? Is there a regular pattern of communication
that happens when your couple gets into trouble? Is there a predictable routine
in the discourse? I know in my couple there is a thread of controlling dialogue
that appears when things aren’t quite right with my partner. And whether its
stressors from work, or upset at something not going his way – he doesn’t
always tune into that upset or frustration, or doesn’t want to allow himself to
be vulnerable in expressing them, but rather begins trying to control things. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sometimes through the simple business of
life – raising kids, focusing on a career, taking care of an aging parent,
paying bills and struggling to get by, couples lose their connection to each
other. (By the way, maintaining this connection is the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">work</i> of marriage!!) When this happens we suffer. When couples get
disconnected, the arguments tend to commence. Disconnected, we feel insecure, alone, threatened.
These feelings, without the awareness of them, often turn into attacks on the
other person. Those attacks can sound like criticism, or control, or outright
anger and flaring tempers. We are not always aware enough to recognize that
it’s this disconnection that is making us suffer and so we attribute it to
other things. Surprisingly there is quite a lot of regularity in the things we
choose to “pick on”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">So what’s your language of distress? My own
tends to be that not enough is being done in the home. I can tell you now, in a
relatively good state of connectedness, that that is not realistic, because my
husband does a lot – for me, for our household, for our couple. So I am
starting to see that whenever I begin to complain about how he doesn’t do this
or doesn’t do that, what I am really feeling is lonely for him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I recognize that, I can approach him in
a way that is kinder, indeed more vulnerable, loving, in a way that makes him
receptive to me, and my need of him. That goes a lot further than screeching
about the need to vacuum the house! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">What’s your language of distress? What’s
your partner’s? How do you each communicate your need of the other? How do you
let your partner know you are lonely for them or overwhelmed with what life
challenges you might be facing? How do you let them know you are feeling
disconnected? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Good questions to get connected by!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-53310553188863783582014-07-07T10:18:00.000-07:002014-07-07T10:18:09.724-07:00The question of Intent<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Intent... intent can be
understood as the motive, not necessarily conscious, behind our behaviour and
communication. Often times in challenging relationships there appears to be a
tendency towards <i>ascribing</i> intent which may not necessarily
exist. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A common enough complaint
in relationship is that our loved one is ignoring us. It is sometimes easier to
believe that than to come to an understanding that we were never thought of in
the first place. In order for the intent of ignoring me to be there, my partner
needs to be thinking of me, and dismissing me to some extent. In order
for me to be ignored, someone has to be doing the ignoring... that's a
conscious act. Rather than consider you and your needs, I am going to go ahead
and do what I want for myself - that's ignoring. That's different from being so absorbed in my own stuff (suffering?) that I don't think of you at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Some partners tend more
than others to take initiative, whether romantically or sexually. Often times, the person who takes less initiative gets labeled with
"not caring". "Not caring" becomes the "intent"
behind the less active stance (less initiative). Its entirely possible that two
people come together who have different "appetites" - and I often see
couples come in to my office, complaining of this. S/he does/doesn't want it as
much/little as I do. This can be challenging but the really unnecessary part
tends to be one person "ascribing intent" to the other's behaviour.
S/he does this because s/he doesn't love me, doesn't care how I feel, or is
ignoring me. The truth of it tends to be that we are just different, that it
doesn't occur to me to want it more, or I just don't want it more, and it
really hasn't got much to do with you at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Examples can also be
found in relationships with adult children. I have heard many a parent ascribe
intent to children who have chosen different paths than what the parent wished
for. In their upset with this, I have heard parents say “they do this to hurt/disrespect me”. I haven’t met a whole lot of 20 somethings that walk
around with the wish to hurt or disrespect their parents as a motivating factor
for their behaviour and choices. Quite the opposite is true. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Finally, I’ve worked
with many who have come from families where either parent had significant
mental health issues. When these clients first appear in my office, the
storyline is often “my parent(s) did this to me”. Many of us
had bad things happen to us in our childhood as a direct result of parental
mental illness. However, the part of the story that needs to change is believing
there was intent toward you. And again, the notion of not even making it onto
the conscious radar in a parents mind is exquisitely painful too. Yet there is
something incredibly liberating in understanding that there was no conscious,
malicious act borne against you. That was not the intent. Often times when a
parent rages, it is against themselves, and an expression of their being consumed
with their own pain. Of course how that affects us is important to know and
understand and deal with, but it’s still also important to know that their rage
and suffering was not about you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It's worth contemplating
what a person's intent might be when we walk away from an exchange feeling
something. Often we make assumptions about intent that are not
necessarily correct and behave, ourselves, in accordance with those incorrect
assumptions. Can you see how we easily lose our focus, centre, and authenticity
in such a state? If you're not sure what is driving your partner’s/kid's
behaviour, ask. If you're not sure why you're not being called, romantically
perused, or included, ask. You may not like the answer but at least you will
have the truth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-55566544224472285542014-02-26T05:50:00.001-08:002014-12-09T05:35:16.848-08:00Coming from a narcissistic system.... There's lots of room for hope.<div>
For those of us that have grown up in a narcissistic system.... </div>
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<a href="http://www.academia.edu/4691005/A_Workbook_of_Healing_for_Adult_Children_of_Covert_Narcissists">http://www.academia.edu/4691005/A_Workbook_of_Healing_for_Adult_Children_of_Covert_Narcissists</a><div>
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<br />Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-51904107296679627952013-11-08T11:26:00.000-08:002013-11-08T11:26:21.379-08:00On Caregiving ....<div>
I had the privilege a few days ago of joining Elizabeth Stafjei on her CJAD Show <a href="http://www.cjad.com/Shows/LivingBetterShow.aspx">Living Better</a> (November 3rd). The topic was about the challenges of taking care of an elderly parent and all that that entails. Radio shows are a strange thing.... Time is super short, the question is as much a part of the conversation as anything, and the conversation itself comes in bites so its not always comprehensive or comprehendible... Hence todays blog.</div>
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Elizabeth's first question was:</div>
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People are living longer and children are faced with confusing and complicated feelings and issues when caring for an elderly parent. How can one manage the intense emotions which can weigh heavily for some?</blockquote>
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My very first comment on the show was that above all, this time in our lives requires a huge dose of compassion, both for ourselves and for our parents. From the elderly person's perspective, there is such a huge amount of loss going on: one's autonomy, a home, a degree of privacy, feelings of being able to handle life.<br />
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We the caregivers, the children, can find ourselves angry and upset because we don't want our parents to change. We want them to be the strong, supportive, care taking people they have always been. Its tough watching and accepting their decline. Its tough when the roles change. Its scary. None of us "enjoy" contemplating our parents mortality, let alone our own. If you can tune in to these natural feelings inside your self, and be compassionate and honest with yourself about how hard it can be, you will go a long way in easing the pain for both of you. </div>
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We also sometimes see a tendency to get angry at the mounting incapacity of our elderly parents. If we reflect, its often a projection of how we would feel, now, if this were to be our own situation, or looking forward we are afraid of finding ourselves in the same position. If people were telling me I might need to give up my home, that I needed help living... Well I'd be plenty upset. It behooves us to step back and understand where our feelings are coming from.</div>
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Some of us find ourselves upset because we have just (almost, sort of...) finished raising (and hopefully launching) our kids. Or our kids are back in our scope of care due to children of their own, our grandchildren. As you can see the landscape grows. We might find ourselves wondering "Where's the time for me?" And now we are noticing changes in our parents, they seem more forgetful, are having trouble keeping up with regular routines, regular chores, your alarm bells are ringing.... And we feel stretched, exhausted, and its easy to snap. </div>
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I can not emphasize enough how important self care is at these times. If you are running on empty, get help. Call in local resources that will offer respite to you. Maybe its time to start having conversations about assisted living. If it is .. Go into these times knowing it will probably be challenging. People don't resist change to be obstinate, they tend to resist change because they are scared. </div>
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For those of us with elderly that are being stubborn and frightened... Look around. Are they isolated? Are they getting social needs met? Are they capable at keeping up with medication, banking, cooking and eating? If any of these are a challenge, and you have stretched the limit of community resources, as well as your own, it may be time to talk about change.<br />
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On the show yesterday, Elizabeth talked about guilt... So what about guilt? If you are making decisions about your parents' care, and those decisions are made from a compassionate, realistic, benevolent place, there is no cause for guilt. Not doing anything because of guilt is wrong and dangerous. Not doing anything when something needs to be done, because we are anxious, or avoiding a conflict, is wrong. It is at these difficult times that we have to put our feelings aside - the need to please, the fear of conflict, the guilt of care taking - and step up and do whats best for the person who can't any more. Its what makes us human.</div>
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Be kind and compassionate to your self.</div>
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I've realized that the topic is vast. I will be writing further on the subject. If you have questions or comments please feel free to write.</div>
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Peace to you.</div>
Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-26755974111595417692013-10-29T18:38:00.000-07:002013-10-29T18:42:17.328-07:00Shame and Forgiveness .. a Lesson<div class="Body">
<span lang="EN-CA">I would like to share a personal bit of learning
I have had. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">I recently had the occasion to contemplate
forgiveness. I bumped into the complexity of it while struggling with an old
issue between my adult son and I. Curiously; at the same time a deep, old
shame of my own kept floating to the surface. I found it odd that this
30-year-old memory would come to haunt me at this time in my life. In thinking
on this, and wondering at the significance of that shame memory, it occurred to
me; like all the highway lights blinking into view one at a time, the dots
connected and there it was, my inability to forgive myself. If I can</span><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Arial Unicode MS"; mso-ascii-font-family: Helvetica;">’</span><span lang="EN-CA">t forgive myself how can I extend that type of compassion to
another? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">If I were to create one of those surreal,
William Burroughs/David Lynch kind of movies out of this struggle with my son;
I would be stuck inside a bell jar... So close, so wanting to forgive, yet some
invisible force (invisible to me, not the watcher of the surreal movie)
preventing me from making that contact, heart to heart, that would let that
forgiveness unfold. I guess the picture would then pan to me in the bell jar,
and me outside of it too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">So I recognize fully now, the obstacle is my
relationship with my self, with my past, with choices I made as a young and dysfunctional
20 year old and the shame I carry because of them. I can say for absolute sure
that is no longer who I am. The adult in me says consider the context of whence
you came, what happened then was almost predictable, you've learned, you've
grown, you've made much better choices since... And yet the ability to apply
compassion to my own story is somehow challenging for me. However, not doing so
is no longer sustainable. I cannot abide this as an obstacle to having
healthier relationships with my family. So I have a choice to make and frankly
it</span><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Arial Unicode MS"; mso-ascii-font-family: Helvetica;">’</span><span lang="EN-CA">s an easy one: Forgive myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-CA">The challenge of forgiving oneself is most
probably at the root of a lot of shame-based injuries, probably at the root of
a lot of </span><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Arial Unicode MS"; mso-ascii-font-family: Helvetica;">“</span><span lang="EN-CA">stuckness</span><span lang="EN-CA" style="font-family: "Arial Unicode MS"; mso-ascii-font-family: Helvetica;">”</span><span lang="EN-CA">. In the end, what might lead me to forgive myself, is more my need
to be able to forgive others, my son for example, and how sad is that? Yet had
it not been for this catalyst, I might have opted to carry this stone of shame
around inside forever. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-16996708729274746782013-10-15T12:18:00.001-07:002013-10-15T12:18:48.380-07:00The click's the thing...<div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">So often, couples report, when talking about how they met, that "we just <i>clicked</i>". Its worth taking a moment to understand that click.</span></div><div><br></div><div>What we call clicking with someone, is actually the experience of being <i>seen and understood</i>. If you come from a european background, chances are high that you will "click" with someone who also has a european background. You "get" each other, you "recognize" the shared cultural values, the language, the nuances of unwritten rules first generation kids had to learn, for example. </div><div><br></div><div>If you click because you both come from solid family backgrounds, imbued with respect, an understanding of empathic attunement, whether you call it that or not .. You again will feel seen and understood and that is a powerful human force.</div><div><br></div><div>However if you come from an alcoholic family for example, chances are you will "click" with someone who also comes from such an environment. You will feel seen and understood, you will share a common emotional culture as well... Often times we do this without knowing what that emotional culture is all about. And if we don't recognize that, this is often the mechanism for repeating past dysfunction. We need to be able to recognize shared hypervigelance, or rigidity in relating, reactivity, narcisstic tendencies or responses to them, this being but a brief list. </div><div><br></div><div>So many come into therapy saying I keep falling into the same type of relationship over and over again. I really believe it has a lot to do with the power of the "click". Feeling seen, understood, known, familiar, on the one hand is powerful, comforting, almost safe. But if in fact what has been familiar to me in the past has been chaos, dysfunction, violence, abuse... What is it then that is familiar? The challenge of the click - is that in the face of that delicious comfort, to sit still and not run into it headlong; to maybe hold back and wonder at the "click" before you react. </div><div><br></div><div>Conversely, how might we sit still and remain curious, rather than dismiss outright, when we meet someone who doesn't "click"? How might we stay put and see what that can grow into? We need to understand that the brain is geared toward reinforcing what it knows. That being said, new and unfamiliar behavior will not have the same pull as a potentially unhealthy "click" but it may not have the same old results either.</div><div><br></div>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-24494610562135755072013-06-19T10:16:00.001-07:002013-06-19T10:16:09.955-07:00The Stories We Tell....In this weeks yoga class, lovely Alanna had volunteered to offer a Sukha practice. She came in with a brilliant piece about how we can in fact choose, yes choose, what kind of story we tell ourselves, which then impacts whether we allow ourselves to fell happiness - Sukha - or suffering.<div><br></div><div>When things erupt with one of my kids, I have in the past allowed myself to get quite swallowed up in the story, in the drama of the moment. I feel guilty, because some how had I been a better parent I would not be experiencing this; I feel angry, because can't she see how much I do for her; I feel treated unfairly because geez, I've really been there for you and this is all I get ..... And on and on.</div><div><br></div><div>I could change that story in a heartbeat couldn't I? I could say to myself, wow we have a really good relationship now. From time to time there is a bit of conflict but generally things have really blossomed for us. Given our tough family story that is indeed quite an accomplishment. I could feel proud and grateful. I can also feel very grateful that our relationship can tolerate that sort of tension from time to time and I don't have to live in fear of a cut off, because that wont ever happen between us again. </div><div><br></div><div>If I thought all that rather than the previous bunch of stuff, well I would feel much better wouldn't I? I would see our relationship from a more global stance rather than a myopic one.</div><div><br></div><div>Alanna's great example was about letting a friend move in with her. Seems that relationship didn't work out and she was hurt and taken somewhat advantage of. Rather than sit with that story she changed it to "I extended a helping hand to someone who wasn't ready to accept it" and thus she empowered herself, inviting Sukha rather than suffering into her life. What a wise young woman that Alanna is. As a matter of fact there was somewhat of a collective "you go girl" from the class.</div><div><br></div><div>We all have the power to craft the stories in our head that are empowering, esteem building. Because truth be told, all the worrying we do really is just stories in our head. </div><div><br></div><div>What kind of a story will you create for yourself today to invite some Sukha into your life? Which old story (we all have them!) will you opt to change today? </div>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-91014821327110390902013-06-17T19:02:00.001-07:002013-06-17T19:02:27.118-07:00The Small Things....<div>I had an occasion to contemplate the great change that can come about through the smallest acts. This past weekend, I had my bike (Daisy!) refitted - a process I am beginning with this new wonderful bike of mine as we haven't worked out all the kinks yet for a pain free ride. So we moved the seat forward, maybe a centimetre and holy banana what a difference.</div><div><br></div><div>That got me thinking about a book by Nathaniel Brandon, the Six Pillars of Self Esteem which I often recommend. In it, Mr. Brandon has created exercises for the reader, which require one to write stem sentences. Many of them start with "If i were 5% more..." conscious, positive, aware, kind, patient, compassionate with myself, "I would ....".</div><div><br></div><div>Its an interesting exercise to contemplate what being 5% more of anything, or bringing 5% more of yourself to something, might accomplish. I also like the fact that really, 5% doesn't really seem like such a big deal no? Doesn't seem impossible, seems like something anyone could do. </div><div><br></div><div>Sometimes we overwhelm ourselves when we seek to change. We want to revamp ourselves, our partners, our kids. We want to see great things, huge change. And we get disappointed because really, great, sweeping changes are hard to come by, in ourselves or in anyone else. But 5% .... I could endeavour to be 5% more patient, or 5% more compassionate, I could do that. More interesting is the change that happens around you in response to that 5%.</div><div><br></div><div>What will your 5% be?</div>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-78050003022805789162013-06-11T18:12:00.001-07:002017-06-05T05:27:50.815-07:00Darwinism, Sex and Midlife<div>
Today's blog post is dedicated to the millions of people, who, through no fault of their own, suffer in silence about their changing, aging bodies and the role and place of sex in midlife and beyond. We all have questions we are afraid to ask about changes that are happening to our bodies that they don't talk about on tv, or any where else for that matter. </div>
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So many couples present in couple therapy complaining of a low sex drive and/or unsatisfactory sex. Women come in saying they don't feel (sexually) like they used to, husbands complain that they don't perform like they once did. Couples feel alienated from each other, confused, and sometimes scared.</div>
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No one seems to be getting the information they need that explains the physical changes they are going through. So lets begin with the basics. </div>
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As women enter the period of menopause things begin to shift physiologically. When menstruation stops, we are no longer ovulating because we no longer have any (ovum) eggs left. This brings about a cessation in the production of progesterone and a significant reduction in the amount of oestrogen we produce. Changes to the body due to this hormonal shift include but are not limited to hot flushes and night sweats; migraines; thinning of the vaginal walls; dryness in the vagina, bladder incontinence; lower libido (although its a bit of a chicken and egg story when considering the aforementioned changes); difficulty achieving orgasm; changes in how orgasms feel all together; insomnia and other sleep disturbance; body aches and joint stiffness .... And this is a short list.</div>
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Now there are any number of ways to deal with the above: certainly exercise and diet help a lot, as much as 40% of symptoms are helped by regular exercise and eating well. Some women can tolerate hormone replacement therapy, some women find other solutions. Some, decide not to treat this as an event in need of medical intervention. </div>
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Its important to remember things are not the same for everyone and we need to respect those differences. That being said, within a given continuum, we all age and change accordingly as per our species.</div>
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As for men. Research shows that for most men, testosterone is no longer produced as it was, often declining to 50% of what it might have been in your 30's. Consequences of this lowered testosterone and aging can be seen in a lower libido, thinning hair, weight gain, difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, quicker ejaculation. Now of great import .. Aging and lower testosterone MAY NOT BE THE ONLY CAUSE OF THESE SYMPTOMS SO PLEASE GET CHECKED BY A PHYSICIAN. For example, sometimes, difficulty getting and maintaining an erection is a sign of a more serious illness such as dangerously high cholesterol for example. </div>
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What's it like to go through this stuff? How does it feel? Why is it so hard to talk about?</div>
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Here is a common enough scenario: </div>
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A couple has been together for quite a number of years. In the past year their sex life has been dwindling. The husband is having difficulty "getting it up", and / or keeping it up. This leads to anxiety for him because he doesn't know - geez is it my prostate? What is "wrong" with me? Who the hell can he talk to? He makes an appointment with his GP, gets a physical (probably first time in a number of years), goes for a blood test, stress test... Everything checks out. He doesn't ask the doctor this time about his waning sex drive or difficulty with the erections, figured he'd wait to see if something came up in the physical. He goes back home with the same worry, same unknowing about what's happening. Months go by. The frustration in the couple is mounting because its not being talked about, partners are becoming further alienated. All this stress is just not very sexy! Finally the wife explodes and demands something be done. He goes back to GP and asks for a script. He comes home and puts it away. A few months pass and another blow up. In the meantime all these months upon months have been harming both parties. His anxiety building, her frustration mounting. Finally he tries the medication. It works. And months and sometimes years, of shame and worry and alienation and loneliness are all of a sudden easier to talk about. Sort of.</div>
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Another scenario:</div>
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As the kids have grown and there is less need of her, mom finally starts to feel a bone crushing fatigue setting in. As well, over that past year she's noticed her periods have been less and less regular. As a matter of fact if she thinks about it, she hasn't had one for at least four months. Husband has been pursuing her but she is just not in the mood. Besides, last time they did it, things were so dry down there is was painful. Ugh. Who needs it?? And yet ... She sees the images on tv, women her own age or older, and they appear to be sexual, sexy, womanly and energetic, why not me? Whats wrong with me? She worries about the changes happening to her body; her vagina seems so much drier, the walls seem thinner, these hot flashes are terrible, and I'm soooo tired, can't he see whats happening to me? And yet.... She misses being close, misses being held, sometimes misses having sex, misses how easy it used to be between them. She wonders if other couples go through this. She wonders if other women lose their sex drive to some degree, if other women feel their orgasms are not what they used to be, if other women take so much longer to get aroused. She doesn't know who to go to to talk about these issues. Would be nice if she could turn to her husband.... </div>
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One of the conversations I see people having a hard time with is what is normal? I'd like to introduce a few Darwinian notions at this point. We are one of the few species that pursue sex for pleasure. Wiki will tell you some 150 species do, that pigs and dolphins do, but I doubt that those animals are as affected by the society they live in and the sexual scrutiny of that society. In our society and culture everyone has sex. All the time. Except the very old and the very young. If you're not in either of those two groups you're supposed to want to have sex - often. </div>
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Yet if we were to think of ourselves biologically for a moment things might seem a wee bit more compassionate. Our changing appetites are linked to the end of our reproductive capacity. Its been known that during the perimenopausal period, some women go through moments of very intense arousal. We can understand this as the bodies last chance.. This might be your last egg so get at her! If we were animals in the jungle we would possibly be looking at doing what we could to get that egg fertilized, propagate the species. Biologically thats our (species) job. Once we run out of eggs .. Thats it. We are done. And if sex were only about propagation we would never have reason to do it again. </div>
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Humans are a species that is wired to be in a bonded pair. Its good for the species to have similar requirements among the sexes. So if her drive slows down because there are no more eggs to fertilize, it would behoove the couple if his drive went down too. He could go out and find a younger female, but that would require him to fight off younger and stronger males and not every male of the species is up to the task. So again, we see biologically, the wisdom of our bodies, slowing down to accommodate what is demanded of us.</div>
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Now lets move out of the cave and into the 21st century. Sex in the life of the couple is about so much more than procreation. Its about love, playfulness, contact and comfort, connection, lust, sometimes on the dark side about control and power. Its how we express our need to be close. Those who have grown up with challenges about articulating feelings sometimes use sex as the conduit to expression. </div>
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Whats important to learn and understand is that sex changes. For all of us. Its not just happening to you, its happening to both of you. Things slow down, the rhythm changes, touch changes, shape changes, sensitivities change, tastes change.... If we can accept that.. We give ourselves the room and compassion to move into something new. With no shame. With no anxiety. With grace and love and together.</div>
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If you have any questions, a need for a referral, comments, or if you'd like to pass some info along - please do so. We are all cope so much better when we remain connected. </div>
Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-40707259261523836532013-05-28T11:43:00.002-07:002013-05-28T19:16:27.943-07:00Care ...There is a whole population out there of parentified, uber-responsible, probably over-functioning people who have missed the boat on being taken care of. One of the hallmarks of this population is the absolute misery experienced when asking for help ....if they even permit themselves to do that. That's kind of a sin isn't it, this asking for help? It demonstrates some sort of flaw or weakness when we finally face the fact we can't do it alone. And it never ever occurs to us that we <i><b>shouldn't</b></i> face it alone! And if any one of our loved ones presented themselves to us the way we present ourselves to the world (stoic, self-contained, but suffering, miserable) we would tell them why aren't you asking for help. There is sometimes a palpable sense of shame when asking for help, or letting the world know we are hurting. I should be able to deal with this, if I can't do this who will, I'm better than this, if I break down the world as I know it will end. Don't kid yourself, there are times when every parentified kid has had thoughts like this.<br />
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As many of you know I have been taking yoga classes at <a href="http://www.yogaonthepark.ca/">Yoga on the Park</a>. It is life changing. I've been struggling lately, my body not cooperating as I wish it would. My lesson in all this is to let go. I don't need to be so I intense. I can learn to relax into a pose. I can count on the pose rather than the pose count on me. That last line may sound crazy but I think I'm on to something.<br />
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It's amazing all the things a yoga practice can teach you, and all the places in your life you can apply that to. I've said more than once already that applying the principles of yogic posture - scooch the tail, smiling collar bones, heart forward, relax the jaw, relax the eyes - to bike riding has changed the experience dramatically.<br />
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Then there is the care. The care that lots of us parentified kids yearn for yet bristle against. Unless of course you are beginning to relax into that, to let go into the receiving of that care. No small feat I kid you not. Even more difficult, try receiving unsolicited care!<br />
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And yet, and yet .. Melting into the care offered by another, allowing yourself the softness required to receive. And it's the softness in your own heart, for your own self, gratitude for the care yes, but toward yourself for softening long enough to receive such a gift.<br />
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Can you imagine, that's available to all of us.<br />
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With a very full heart I bid you Namaste.<br />
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HHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-42843479031033614022013-05-16T12:14:00.003-07:002013-05-16T12:26:05.733-07:00Of gratitude and yoga I love Thursday morning yoga class at <a href="http://www.yogaonthepark.ca/">Yoga on the Park</a>. I like to arrive early because I catch Joanne G. doing her routine, warming up, stretching ... doing what a yogi does before teaching. She is lovely to watch, an inspiration. This morning I padded in quietly, tried to copy some of her moves (thats kind of a joke), stretched and had a wonderful class.<br />
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Today was special as only two of us were able to make it to class. While I'm not sure how Joanne felt about it my fellow yogi student and I were thrilled! All that attention just for us!<br />
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Joanne has such positive energy about her. I feel wonderfully taken care of by her in the yoga class as she adjusts my poses, keeps an eye if I'm over doing it, helps push me just a bit past my limit. At the end of class today as we entered the relaxation pose, she came by, and with a gentle and caring touch, straightened me out, told me to give myself over to the ground beneath me, and indeed I felt I was being held in the truest of senses.<br />
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Living in the moment allows you to make what ever you will out of that moment, so today I decided I was going to relish in the taking care I felt I was receiving. Just as Joanne was taking us through the final meditation, my hearing aid battery died, the result of which gave me the sense of being a child, a wee child, lying there content, contained ... And just like a baby I only understood every few words - oddly enough I kept hearing "safely", "comfort" ... And while I couldn't make out the words, the tone was loving, soothing, comforting.<br />
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I left today's class with such a sense of peace. Walking through the park I felt immensely grateful for my life, the glorious spring day, the lushness of the trees, my home, my yoga practice. I had, I have! a deep sense of appreciation for the stillness of mind the practice brought me today. It goes hand in hand with the practice of gratitude.<br />
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Thank you teacher (s).<br />
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Namaste to you.Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-14023545245200573722013-05-09T08:22:00.003-07:002013-05-09T08:27:55.971-07:00The Oms the ThingI had a great yoga class today at <a href="http://www.yogaonthepark.ca/">Yoga on the Park</a>. Joanne Gormley really worked us. At the end of it I felt literally happy, smiley, relaxed. Exhausted - but lots of Sukah!<br />
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Over the last few weeks I have been contemplating the Om (pronounced Aum). Om is the universal sound. In some religions or cultures, it signifies the beginning and ending of a prayer or prayer ritual.<br />
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I have had a strange experience with Om. When in the Tuesday class - which is really full (up to and maybe over 20 people) ... the Oms are robust and full. The unity of our voices pulls a bigger Om out of all of us, well, out of me. No one hesitates too much. Sometimes we cycle through a number of Om's and that is also beautiful.<br />
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Thursdays class by contrast is much smaller. We are not even ten most the time. At the beginning my Oms were definitely hesitant, quieter, shorter, my "mmm" shaking and timid. I wondered over this last while whether we (I!!) hide behind other's Oms sometimes. We wait for the teacher to begin the round of three Oms. I don't necessarily own my Om.<br />
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Today wasn't like that though. Today I created the space I needed to put my voice out there. Joanne G taught last week that the Om resonates within us, releases chemicals (neurotransmitters I imagine) in the brain that are good for us, massages the sinuses and the brain. Spiritually I think that Om probably does some of that to our souls, to our psyche.<br />
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Its a lot of work letting go of the ego, the self conscious part of ourselves that judges ... that judges whether an Om is too loud, too long, just right, blah blah blah... Its more work to hang on to that.<br />
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So here is to my Om...<br />
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Namaste to you.<br />
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And thank you Joannes.<br />
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For those of you struggling with anxiety, depression, looking for focus, I can promise you that if you commit to a practice of yoga - its life changing. Much like the practice of gratitude. Put this in your took kit of self care.Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-18036934308355718642013-04-16T12:32:00.001-07:002013-04-16T12:32:26.248-07:00Gratitude....I am having a moment I need to share. <br />
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I feel so fortunate to do the work I do. My clients take such courageous steps in their lives, sometimes face such huge challenges with grace and beauty and they come into my office and share that with me. I feel so humbled, I feel very proud and so blessed to be let in. You don't always get to hear about how a therapist gets affected but let me tell you they do, I do. How could I not? <br />
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I can say I'm proud of the work I do and I really am - but Lordy you all really touch my heart and I just want to let you know how grateful I am for that. <br />
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With a very full heart I thank you. Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-48100240431278518242013-04-10T07:38:00.000-07:002013-04-10T07:38:21.039-07:00The Things We Believe...
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I am not sure where I read it but I learned a while ago –
that we all behave in ways and make choices that reinforce unconscious beliefs
we have about ourselves. We need to think about the ramifications of that. </div>
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<a href="http://www.oprah.com/spirit.html">Oprah Winfrey</a> grew up believing in her child’s magical
thinking mind – that God, yes <i>the</i> God, the big guy, was her father. If you grow
up thinking that God is your father, and that He has your back, and the He is
benevolent and good and loving – then you must grow up thinking you can handle
pretty much anything. You must grow up thinking that you don’t really need to
be afraid of too much. Now I’m sure that Oprah has her hang-ups just like the
rest of us do, but I am also sure she has more than her share of resilience,
and trust in her self to be able to cope with the world. <o:p></o:p></div>
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In terms of her behaving in unconscious ways that reinforce
beliefs – Oprah has climbed the ladder of success by, among other things, following her intuition, I
think she believes pretty deeply – and I have heard her say as much – that she experiences her
intuition as “God talking to” her. That is some powerful reinforcement! <o:p></o:p></div>
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On the flip side – many of us behave in ways that reinforce
negative beliefs about ourselves. I’d like to share an example from my personal
experience. My hope is, in doing your own work, that you can transpose
this learning and that it helps uncover negative beliefs you might have that
are hindering rather than helping your growth.<o:p></o:p></div>
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One of the areas in my life that I struggled with for a long
time was money. My relationship to money was fraught with a lot of self-doubt
and anxiety. There is an excellent book by father and son team Klontz and Klontz
called <a href="http://www.amazon.ca/Mind-over-Money-Overcoming-Disorders/dp/038553101X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1365603740&sr=8-1&keywords=mind+over+money">Mind Over Money</a>. I heartily encourage anyone and everyone to give it a
read because it’s brilliant and helps you explore your emotional relationship
to money. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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An exercise meant to help one understand where our ideas about money come from resulted in my uncovering a memory. My
father, who was self-employed, would come home with a huge wad of bills and
count his money in front of me at the end of the day. Often he would stop and
say “There’s nothing for Heidi”. <i>There is
nothing for Heidi.</i> He also spent a lot of time telling me I wasn’t smart –
so I am pretty sure I coupled the two together and crystallized that into a
belief about my incompetence around money.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The next step was examining how I
made choices around money. I wrote down and looked at everything I and my
husband owned and owed. It came as a huge shock when on paper it looked like
Heidi = 0 and husband = everything else. It struck me then that I had been
making choices that reinforced the old belief of there being “nothing” for
Heidi, and of Heidi not being smart enough to manage money. I made choices to
use my money for groceries, vacations, clothes, expenses for kids … all very
important, very meaningful, but not all together tangible, certainly not balanced, not like a bank
account or an RRSP. What's also interesting is how I reinforced the belief around my incompetence with money - I had nothing that needed "managing", so no mistakes for me! That choice also deprived me of the opportunity to learn about money, the managing of it, and to break the negative belief I had.</div>
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How did I change this? I became aware – the exercise of
putting everything down on paper was hugely life changing. I did not want to
accept that belief about myself any longer. I needed also to change the
behavior that reinforced it. I had to challenge the anxiety that came up when I
initiated a change around what I did with my money. I had to challenge the
anxiety that comes up when one challenges a long held belief period. Taking
responsibility for my financial self was like stepping out into the world anew.
Scary! And yet… I’m so grateful for that
learning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes our unconscious beliefs remain that way,
unconscious. Its hard work to look at the things that might be holding us back,
and harder still to change them. A huge dose of self-compassion is required.
With that compassion we can endeavor to change, we can endeavor to live in a
way that pushes us outward, toward growth, toward balance, toward strength. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-42931630896408638912013-03-08T05:28:00.000-08:002013-03-08T05:28:07.687-08:00Self-acceptance ... Let's do the work...Hi there. I am passing on something a number of people have sent my way....<br />
<br />
<a href="http://live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/?utm_source=soundstrue&utm_medium=Admin-email&utm_campaign=selfacceptance-130304&_bta_tid=3.RM0.Amkusw.AsVr.Fr1X..XXq8.b..l.ApNp.a.UTVl8g.UTVl8g.aaV98Q&_bta_c=0jsr68uhkm2rhyqt2rebq9s4b5bw6">The Self-Acceptance Project</a><br />
<br />
Would love to hear how this goes for any of you!<br />
<br />
Also, here is a link to the Meditation Challenge... join me!!<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.chopracentermeditation.com/Bestsellers/LandingPage.aspx?BookId=178">Oprah and Deepak Meditation Challenge.</a><br />
<br />Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-49864804715079906732013-02-14T14:39:00.003-08:002013-02-14T14:39:35.275-08:00Credit where credit is due....This is a follow up to the <a href="http://theconnectedpsy.blogspot.ca/">Boundaries</a> blog I posted two days ago. I would like to take this moment to acknowledge where the teaching came from. In 1993 I was a student at Concordia University. One of my first classes was in the Applied Human Sciences Department. I took a class called Group Dynamics and Interpersonal Communications yhat would forever change my life. Best thing that ever happened to me. It was taught by Mia Lobel. She is the one who needs to be credited with the Boundary Exercise. While it has morphed and changed and grown from the time I learned it from her as a student, the original idea came from her.<br />
<br />
A big thank you, Teacher.<br />
<br />Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867253172562518836.post-89277060403116621242012-12-27T07:38:00.000-08:002012-12-27T07:38:19.749-08:00Mind your expectations….<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Holiday seasons are tough on a lot of people. Those of us
with “special” families have our share of Christmas horror stories …. too much
drinking, too much drama, too much expectation. The media doesn’t help. We are
bombarded from mid November on with the expectation that this is a time to be
happy, to be connected to family which is supposed to be in and of itself a
good thing, that we should buy, buy, buy, … Little wonder why the Help hotlines
are overwhelmed at this time of year.
Those of us with out of step families feel well, out of step. We ask
ourselves how is it that we don’t have the pie in the oven, the merriment
around the tree, the peace and love we surely all crave.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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When it comes to the media unfortunately their message will
never change. They are geared toward making people believe that spending money
will bring back that family feeling. It doesn’t. Know that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What can change is how we talk to ourselves. I can mind my
expectations by not creating a fantasy of what I want my family to be. This
will be helpful because what I want it to be and what it is are a lifetime and
a world apart. So what to do? How about I work on accepting what is? How might
that be helpful? Well for starters, if I take the stance of accepting what is,
it’s easy to go from there to being grateful. Gratitude I have come to learn is
the great equalizer of shitty stuff. Have a parent with dementia? Being
grateful for the small moments in between gives one the strength to make it
through the harder moments. Have a relative with mental illness? Again, being
grateful for the small moments means being able to cope with the bigger ones
that make no sense. Being grateful for the small moments means being present to
that. When you’re present, and grateful, the mechanism to blow things out of
proportion whether good (fantasy family) or bad (every thing is ruined) is
limited. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As this year comes to an end, and we, by definition of the
holiday, get together with friends and family, be real .. both with yourself
and with others. Mind your expectations and look for gratitude for the little
things. Doing so has a way of making little moments grow just a little bigger….
Just enough to make things fine, just as they are. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Peace be with you. <o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05694422928362481363noreply@blogger.com0